The perfect day according to HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 pound lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend/husband's ex - notice she's gained 50 pounds
3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The perfect day according to HIM:

6:45 Alarm
7:00 Shower and massage
7:30 Blowjob
7:45 Massive dump while reading the sports section
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli bloody mary
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta
9:30 Front 9 Augusta National Golf Club
11:30 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens
12:30 Blowjob
12:45 Back 9 Augusta National Golf Club
2:30 Limo to Augusta airport, Bombay Sapphire martini
2:45 Lear Jet to Nassau, Bahamas
3:30 Afternoon of fishing with all female crew
(topless), catch 1,249 lb. blue marlin, grilled

tuna and steamed lobster appetizers,
6 Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Lear Jet back to O'Hare,
total hot oil body massage intransit
7:30 Shit, shower, shave
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation,
Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal
involving graphic pictures and large farm animals
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carleton: Oysters Casino, 20 oz. filet (rare),
gorgonzola salad, fettucini alfredo,
Chateau Laffite Rothschild 1963 (magnum),
creme brulet, Louis XIV cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women
11:30 Whirlpool, steam, massage
12:00 Women quietly get dressed, hail cab, and leave
12:05 Sleep